Three moms: “This helps me stay sane”
While we love our children deeply, parenting is definitely not for the faint-hearted. A journalist, psychologist and psychiatrist share their views of the challenges and joys of motherhood and offer practical insights, coping ideas and strategies.
Journalist, author and radio personality Ilse Salzwedel:
1 Tell us a little about your family.
I am fortunate to be the mother of two lovely young people: Zoë (24) and Luc (21). Their names have a special meaning – Zoë means “life”, and Luc means “light”. Little did I realise all those years ago, when we chose their names, that this was exactly what they would still bring into my life two decades later.
We have been a close-knit trio for as long as I can remember. Even before I divorced their dad about 16 years ago, we spent a lot of time together. Not only at home, but with friends and on the occasional trip. I am a freelance journalist and writer, and when possible, I took them on work trips to research my books and articles. We have had amazing adventures. I always chose a freelance career above an office job to be able to be there when they got home from school or needed driving to after-school activities and sport. Of course not being permanently employed meant less money for me (and no job security) but it certainly paid off when it came to giving them the attention they needed.
Not only are we great friends – although I’m a strict mother when I need to be – but I see how the time I invested has paid off. Zoë has established a successful photography business, and Luc is a top student in Industrial Design at the University of Johannesburg. He has been a finalist in three design competitions and won first prize in one. Both are extremely hard workers, and very innovative when it comes to ideas for their chosen fields.
2 Which challenges are involved in motherhood?
Apart from the financial challenges, in my case, I didn’t experience motherhood as a big challenge. That said, there were times when it was a bit more difficult. My daughter had to undergo therapy after being the victim of sexual abuse – that required immense commitment for more than two years. Not only can’t you skip an appointment with the psychologist, but “homework” had to be done. Which, in our case, meant strict routine (she needed the security of a set routine) and solid rules. Although my instinct was to spoil her (since she was the victim, after all), my common sense realised that this was where I really needed to be the grown-up if I wanted her to heal completely. Which she did. (But sometimes it was tough having to say no when you really wanted to say yes.)
Financially it was really, really tough. Their dad had an addiction problem and chose to stop paying maintenance after the first 4 years. He literally disappeared, and shortly after I found him years later (Zoe was almost 20 by then) he died. Both my parents died within 18 months after my divorce, so I always had to make financial plans. If it wasn’t for my older siblings and kind friends who always included us in their lives, things would have been much more difficult. I am incredibly grateful to say my children lacked nothing in their lives.
The most difficult part of being a single mom, was being only one adult responsible for two little lives. It took careful juggling to get them to their different activities, help with schoolwork, etc. Sometimes I needed to ask friends to help with fetching and dropping off, and I also had a very reliable domestic helper that lived with us. Without them it would have been much harder.
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3 Which joys do you derive from being a mom?
So many! I enjoyed every phase of their lives. Just when you think they can’t get cuter/funnier/prettier, they do – I always tell that to new moms. To see them grow into responsible, joyful, hardworking young people who excel at so many things, warms my heart. I can’t help but notice their empathy for the people of our country – I have observed how both will take out money to buy food for those in need or assist in other ways.
4 Can you offer any tips, strategies or a certain mindset which makes it easier to cope with the demands of parenthood?
Count your blessings – yes, even when we had very little money, I made a point of teaching my kids about gratitude for what we did have. When they were very young, I incorporated “lists” of what we had to be thankful for in their evening prayers: food, pets, a house, a car to drive to school with, a garden to play in, friends, family… When they were bigger, we had conversations about our many blessings. Gratitude is an attitude. Teach your children that, rather than entitlement. It will not only make their lives easier, but also yours. My children never needed the “validation” of expensive labels like a lot of their peers.
Be flexible and don’t sweat the small stuff – sometimes things will go wrong. Don’t create drama where it’s not needed. You will only add to your own stress. Do what you can and trust that it will be enough.
Ask for help if you need it – this is hard, but probably the most important tip I can give you.
Be firm and yes, even strict, when you need to be. Children have enough friends, but you were chosen to be a parent.
Set clear boundaries and bring them back to these gently before they fall completely over the edge.
Teach your children good manners, and they will be welcome everywhere.
Enjoy all the small moments, celebrate the big ones, create a routine, and have rituals that they will remember when they leave home. In the end those are the bricks you build a home with.
Image Pexels. Model used
Ilse gesels oor Floreer, haar praktiese gids oor hoe om veerkragtigheid te ontwikkel - selfs onder moeilike omstandighede .
Contact details
Ilse Salzwedel is a journalist, author and radio personality from Alberton.
Website: www.veerkragtigheid.co.za
Counselling psychologist and hypnotherapist Karin Steyn:
1 Tell us a little about your family.
I am a married mother of three boys aged 16, 13 and 10 years. My husband and I practice co-parenting and share duties in and around the house. We practiced attachment parenting when the children were babies, and aim to be conscious parents – although we do not always succeed at that. We are both self-employed and work from home, which enables us to be flexible enough to also tend to parenting duties in between the work schedule – driving kinds to and from school and sports. We challenge them to participate in many different things and decide for themselves what they wish to pursue. We aim to attend the important sports matches and bear witness to our children’s adventures in life.
2 Which challenges are involved in motherhood?
I see new-parenthood as a complete identity make-over. Who you are, what you wear, what you eat and when, who your friends are, where you go and what you do – everything changes. The nine to ten months of pregnancy and special rituals of pregnancy like antenatal classes, special food and clothing, midwife visits, scans and baby showers are all essential parts of this rite of passage. The birth experience, particularly my first (natural hypnobirthing waterbirth), was the most powerful experience – if I could do this, I could do anything! This was an essential belief for embarking upon the unknown journey of parenthood.
I soon realised that no matter how many books you read and prepared for the birth and parenting, nothing could prepare you for the reality of parenthood. Yet, I also learnt that you go in with a plan for parenting, and plan to be flexible around it. Each child is unique and requires something different from the parent; a strategy that might have worked with one child, could be completely inappropriate for the other. I figured out that there is no right or wrong way to do things, but it is up to me to find a way that works. The challenge is to learn to trust yourself and be decisive, and if it does not work out, to try something new. I learnt to listen to feedback or suggestions from others but follow my own truth.
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It took me some time (7 weeks) before the reality hit home that I was going to be a mom, 24/7, for the rest of my life. I realised that meant that my child would be in my thoughts every day of the rest of my life, and I would have to prioritise his needs and plan my life accordingly. At first I struggled to get used to the idea that my sense of time and my experience of day-night would change. You always had to plan for a dirty nappy or unplanned incident right when you meant to jump in the car and arrive at your destination on time. Time became a relative thing and you get good at making excuses. You sleep when you can and visit with friends during the day. I discovered night-time radio and when you wake for a baby, there are some souls also drifting through space and over the air waves at that time of night. I drove with a pram in the boot of my car for almost 10 years.
From the moment my first child was born, I realised that a mother is also gifted with guilt. You find yourself questioning if you are working enough, but also worrying that you do not spend enough time with the children. My counsellor advised me to allow myself to be where I am and respond, to the best of my abilities, to the needs of the moment. It has been a constant practice of mindfulness for the past 16 years, but it gets easier with time. Guilt will make you second-guess yourself, but be willing to look at the pros and cons of every situation.
As the second baby was due to arrive, my fear was – how could I possibly love another child as much as the first? How do I share my love with another when the first already has it all. I was relieved to learn that the love definitely multiplies, but time-pressures get more. I was so busy I forgot to eat!
That was less true for the third baby, where the love was there, but the time pressures were less because the older two could keep each other busy. I felt it was easier with three children than with two. My third baby was the easiest birth and I was so much more confident as a parent.
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Whenever big life decisions were to be made for the sake of the child, I felt the pressure of the challenge.
Which pre-school, primary school or high school do I enrol my child in? The guilt I felt the first day I left my toddler at preschool – it felt like abandonment. Luckily his teacher was an angel and carefully helped me to make this transition one step at time.
Do I allow my child to quit the music or soccer lessons that he so much wanted to do initially? I realised that children sometimes lack willpower to see things through, and our family developed rules to help us cope and keep us sane – you do not leave a sport/activity without at least trying it for a year; if you enrol, you pitch up unless you are sick or we are away on holiday; it is okay if it is hard or you don’t like it much at first because you have to allow yourself to learn how to do something, and then it becomes fun.
We relocated when the children were small, and they had to be placed into new schools. I felt bad about uprooting them, but in retrospect realised they are so resilient and loved the change and all the new experiences and adventures it brought.
Every life stage brought new challenges, but I was always glad that I received a small baby and could grow alongside my child, slowly adapting to the changes as they came, and facing the challenges one at a time.
Another challenge was to see my children experience their own challenges in life.
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Everything in me would want to intervene to shield them or teach them so they did not have to make mistakes or learn through experience, but I learnt that experience is the only way for children to really learn and understand the complexities of life; they have to learn how strong and resilient they can be; they have to learn the self-talk to get through challenges; they need to open up to receive help and support. I could support with ideas or planning of strategies, but they had to face the bullies or speak to their teachers, mourn their losses, sit through their detentions and face the consequences of their actions. They have to learn to admit their mistakes and learn that life offers opportunities to get it right next time. I believe children need boundaries and consequences to feel safe and learn to be responsible; the challenge is for the parents to follow through consistently.
I always laugh when my friends ask me how I am doing, and I respond according to how my kids are doing and what they are doing. I am, however, also very conscious of setting my own goals in life – for my relationship with my husband, family and friends, my professional life as a psychologist, and my creative, emotional and spiritual selves that also need attention. I think it is easy to slip into the parenting mode where your children’s lives and goals become your own, and I work hard not to do that. I do find that I tend to prioritise my children’s financial needs, because I can wear those shoes another season or wait a few more weeks to have my hair done. Money-worries are part of parenting, but somehow, we always make it work.
3 Which joys do you derive from being a mom?
I love being a mother and I love my children. I felt the biggest gift they gave me in life was to see the world through their eyes and to re-experience the magical discovery of the world.
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As difficult as they sometimes can be, their lovely hugs and kisses always melt my heart; they can say the cutest things and know how to make me laugh. I love watching them learn and grow and develop their unique character and abilities. They have taught me how to love in different languages.
I am a collector of stories and moments in our family’s lives – I have thousands of photos that I treasure from our grand adventures but also just capturing moments of everyday life.
I have developed such special friends through my children; some of our friends we met on the first day of our son’s school career. We have had the joy of raising our children in a community of like-minded souls. We are family to each other, holiday and braai together, and cry on each other’s shoulders when the going gets tough. We share school lifts and babysit for each other. In the mix each child has a best friend and an extended family for life – parents cannot and should not be everything in a child’s life; each adult and child contributes something unique and plays a role in each other’s life.
I loved celebrating my children’s birthdays and having a party. Each birthday was an opportunity for my mom and I to put heads together and create a fantasy experience of note. We would bake cakes and hang decorations and invite all the friends and their families to celebrate along. I have baked and decorated some weird cakes including superheroes, sharks, zombies, and a ghost house amongst others. Where in my life would I ever have done that if it was not to bring joy to a little boy’s heart?
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Through motherhood I learnt so much about myself, and I am aware that I have grown as a person. I have had to become more selfless and enjoy sharing my life. I have become more reflexive, conscious and mindful. I have seen my flaws and shortcomings, as well as my growth areas. I feel more human – perfectly unperfect. My world has expanded and is filled with love, noise and laughter. I love that life is never predictable and that adventure always finds us wherever we go.
4 Can you offer any tips, strategies or a certain mindset which makes it easier to cope with the demands of parenthood?
Here are some affirmations that have worked for me throughout parenting:
Trust yourself, you can do this.
Be humble – you do not have to know how to do this at the start, but be willing to learn.
Go in with a plan, and plan to be flexible.
Enjoy the journey – it is not a race to an outcome.
Do the best that you can, and trust that your best is good enough.
Love the child that you have, and not the child you wish you had.
Children and teenagers will not think or act like a 40-year old woman.
Love your child for who they are. Do not judge them by their actions – they will get it wrong a lot of the time, but the more they get it wrong, the quicker they learn to get it right.
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Every child has their own unique life path – let them live their best lives.
It is what it is.
Do not compare yourself to others; live your own life.
Navigating the path of life can be hard! Karin offers practical tools & tips and captivating stories.
How can the Fertile Body Method support couples who long to have a baby and are struggling to conceive? Karin explains.
Karin explains what HypnoBirthing® is and why it’s good for Mom, Baby and Dad!
Read Karin’s unpacking of mindfulness and how it can benefit us.
Contact details
Karin Steyn is a counselling psychologist and hypnotherapist with a private practice in Johannesburg. She is also a HypnoBirthing® instructor and a Fertile Body Method practitioner.
Tel. 082 902 6042
Email karin.m.steyn@gmail.com
Websites www.freechildcompany.co.za
HypnoBirthing® Institute http://www.HypnoBirthing.com
Child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Terri Henderson:
1 Apart from being the mom of two teenagers, you’re also a psychiatrist who’s written a genuinely helpful “manual” for teens and their parents. (More info on this book below.) Why is adolescence such a special phase?
There's a lot of of apprehensive wariness of adolescence, but it really is something particularly special. It's an incredibly compact time period that is marked by intense development in so many areas.
Boys, within a period of a year - going from grade 7 to grade 8 - literally will grow 15cm and transform into a completely different physical build. The brain development taking place is enormous, and what comes with that is unbelievable energy and creativity. The talents of young teens start to come through, whether they be drama, music, sport … and very special is the development of the sense of self: “Who am I? What am I like? What do I believe?” They discover what subjects and things they’re passionate about, the joys of good friendships, laughing with friends, and enjoying the support of friends.
Obviously, normal adolescence comes with bumps - bumps for normal adolescents and also bumps for parents. Both of you will find ways of getting through these things. Your teen will learn something, and so will you. And it’s in surviving the bumps that both of you grow quite a bit. Of course there may be more serious bumps, but we don't need to talk about that now.
2 In your personal as well as professional experience, which challenges does motherhood bring?
To start right at the beginning: most of us who grow up in a sort of Western family setup don't grow up with extended family, so we don’t have much experience
of looking after and caring for young children. This means we walk into motherhood with little little or no preparation.
Whether your pregnancy was a fantastic experience or slightly difficult, this beautiful baby arrives into your world and you are - the only way to describe this, is “absolutely clueless.”
Nobody tells you anything that can really prepare you. Some people are baby people and others are not, but the thing is the exhaustion that you face and the reality that you've completely lost all control of the life that you knew.
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These are very big processes. Every developmental phase in your child also requires a developmental phase in yourself in terms of managing as a parent and assisting your little one to become a capable and more independent child.
Obviously, the big one is: “What happens to my career? What happens to my profession? How do I do the endless juggle?” There's no doubt that it is an endless juggle and one of the biggest challenges here is that motherhood should not be sacrificed for significant career achievements. You get an opportunity to be a mother for a not-so-long period of time in terms of intense contact, i.e. children and teens, and there's always time thereafter to develop your profession. Certainly, maintaining a work ethic and maintaining your career personality are important - finding a way that allows some sort of balance with being a mum is really important.
I was lucky enough to have quite lengthy maternity leaves and when I returned to work, I worked part-time - i.e. till lunchtime - for many years. That was really very special to have that.
3 Which joys do you derive from being a mom?
There are many joys, but to me the primary joy is watching my children come through childhood and enter into adolescence and start the journey of working out who they are and what makes them tick.They discover what works for them, what keeps them going and what keeps them motivated. I savour the joy of seeing them following a challenge or taking on something new and actually learning and growing from it, and talking to them about what they experience in the school day - what is funny and not so funny, and what the stressors are.
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There is sheer joy in realising that your teen is about to step into the world, taking all their strengths and talents and all their potential and stepping onto that “stage.” As a parent, it’s extremely exciting to have been a very distinct part of creating the space that allowed them to look at what makes them tick. Watching my teenagers grow up has been a significant gift and then, of course, having the bumps and getting through the bumps. As a parent you will bump, because there are things that you don't know how to manage, but you're going to have to learn how to manage them. There's a lot of joy in this very special process that is also extremely fast, so you give it everything you've got!
4 Can you offer any tips, strategies, or a certain mindset making it easier to cope with the demands of parenthood?
I'll start with a story. In the early part of my career I was lucky enough to work on one of the well-known luxury game reserves, Sabi Sands. I was there as the local GP. For the staff village, we ran a crèche and a school and I’d often pop in there. The moms would come in the morning and put their babies down in the crèche, lined up next to one another, and somebody would supervise the nappy changing and feeding. Whenever the moms had a break, they would come in and pick up every single baby in turn, give it a cuddle, and then spend some time with their own infant. I found this astounding because this wasn’t one mother running into the crèche to be with her baby, but an entire community picking up and loving every child.
For me, this was a huge realisation. What we do in the Western setup, i.e. having Mom, Dad and the children, is - I have to say - a very bad way of doing things. Applying that amount of pressure to people and particularly to one mother, expecting her to meet all the needs of several children, is an impossible task and not necessarily the best way to raise children.
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So in terms of my tips and strategies I would say that the most fundamental thing is to have a supportive partner; somebody who's prepared to wake up at night with you, take your baby from you, burp them, and get them back to sleep. In other words, someone who does the night stuff with you and shares the responsibilities of the changing and shopping and feeding. Also, somebody who's really good at taking care of you and making sure that you get some rest and you get to have a bubble bath and you get to have a special dinner. That is essentially your partner's role - to muck in as much as they can and be hands on and to really look after you and what you need. Don’t ever think that you can or should manage this alone. That's impossible, and it's not sustainable.
If you're not coping - whether it's exhaustion or it all feels very overwhelming - get help and get it quickly. Don't wait and say: “Oh well, maybe it will get better.” Get help, get some support. All mothers are going through these things. We don't need to stay quiet about them, we need help.
Another very important thing I've realised is that a healthy and joyful relationship with your child sets you up for having a healthy relationship with your adolescent. It's not that simple, of course, but I do see that if you don't have a good relationship with your child, it becomes a lot harder when they're an adolescent.
The other thing is: we're adults and we're human and we do make mistakes. We do! Don't hide your mistakes from your children and your teens. Acknowledge your mistakes and apologise for them and commit to doing things differently. Very important: when you can make a commitment to your children and your teenagers, you have to follow through on that commitment. You do it, regardless. You commit to that process.
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There's nothing more destroying for an adolescent’s sense of health as being promised something by a parent and then being repeatedly disappointed. It is unbelievably destructive. Essentially, what you're telling your child is that they’re not important enough for you to change your life to be there for them when they need you.
On a slightly lighter note, the things that you know that children or teens need are: “Love me, be interested in me, be interested in what I do, and always make me feel that I matter to you as my parent and as part of the family. Even if I'm a teenager who's spending a lot of time with my friends, I need to know that I matter to all of you.” Guide and love your children, and set boundaries, but don't make judgemental parenting your style of choice. It's going to work in completely the opposite way and create enormous differences between you.
Then, you didn't conceive the child on your own. You conceived him or her with a partner, who may be your spouse or your partner or not. Perhaps it is an easy relationship, perhaps it isn’t, but what you both are, is parents. Your children deserve your commitment and knowing that they are a priority for you. Try as hard as you can to keep your own story with your partner separate and to think together about what your children and teens need from both of you as parents. This is true for parents who are together and for parents who are not.
The phases of childhood and adolescence go tremendously fast, but they are the foundation of adulthood. A successful childhood and a successful adolescence is more likely to give you a highly successful adult. This is the greatest gift you can give your child.
So - enjoy them, enjoy them! Enjoy standing on the side of the field at matches and screaming your heart out because you're so proud of what your child's doing. Get involved in their school activities and encourage them where they need to be encouraged. They're an important part of your life.
Image Unsplash.
Lastly, to really be a parent you must make sure that you learn to take care of yourself. You must take care of yourself in order to have the ability to parent; you must also take care of your relationship with your partner because that partnership makes parenting easier. Your partner is who you have in the end, when your teens grow up and enter the world. So look after yourself, look after your relationship, give lots of love to your children, and accompany them through the journey with a lot of support and not too much criticism. I don’t think that harsh criticism has ever helped anybody to grow positively in any direction.
Let’s talk teen by Dr. Terri Henderson is available at https://publisher.co.za/product/lets-talk-teen/ and on Amazon.
Dr. Terri Henderson discusses her book, which comes close to a “manual” for your teen.
Contact details
Dr Terri Henderson is a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist from Cape Town. She works in private practice and specialises in the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of children and adolescents with mental illness.
Tel. 0670638258
Address: Kenilworth Clinic, 32 Kenilworth Road, Kenilworth, Cape Town
Email: Drterripsych@gmail.com
Three warm-hearted women with children and grandchildren of their own offer aha moments on being a mom.
Personal photographs: supplied