Your love relationship: optimise your sensory fit
How do the brain and sensory preferences influence intimate relationships? Have you discovered your partner’s preferred sense? Developmental specialist Dr. Melodie de Jager explains how a little detective work concerning neurological wiring can foster mutual understanding and make partners more compatible.
“Love relationships can meet our deep need for connection,” says Dr. Melodie de Jager, developmental specialist from Johannesburg. “An intimate relationship does, however, require adjustment on many levels. Things aren’t done ‘either in my way or in your way’: we must learn how to be together.”
What does neuroscience have to say regarding love relationships?
“A lot! Although ‘neuroscience’ may remind one of a professor in a white coat working in cold, clinical surroundings, it is a living science. Neuroscience focuses on the basic systems in the human body: your senses provide input, which is processed by the brain. Then the brain tells your muscles what to do, and voilà! We have behaviour.
“The brain is dependent on sensory input. It all starts with your eyes, ears, mouth, nose, balance system and skin.
“For example, you’re walking down the street and become aware of the irresistible smell of coffee. Immediately, your feet find their way to the coffee shop. The minute you enter, you notice the cheesecake. You stop and stare and your brain says ‘Yes!’ or it says, ‘Yes, but I shouldn’t because …’
“That determines whether or not you take action. So: it all starts with the sensory experience; then your emotions become involved, followed by your thoughts (well - sometimes) and, finally, this results in behaviour.”
The brain and happiness
“Our brain influences the way we define happiness. I find it fascinating that each of us has millions of pain receptors in our body, but no receptors for pleasure. To me, this indicates that happiness is a choice; our ‘thinking brain’ determines our happiness. Certain things may contribute to the feeling we call happiness, but happiness as such is a choice in which our senses play an essential role. The most amazing things can come our way, but whether we enjoy them is determined by the way our brain is wired.
“A mother once came to see me with her 16-year-old daughter who was struggling at school. At one stage the mother complained that her daughter was ungrateful. When I asked what made her say that she told me she’d often surprised her daughter with treats, like a session at a spa or an impromptu shopping trip, but that her attemps always evoked a negative reaction. I wanted to know if she’ d ever asked her daughter if she liked surprises. ‘Who does not like surprises?’ the mother retorted. And the daughter replied: ‘I don’t.’
“What makes us happy has a lot to do with our unique brain wiring and the way we encode an experience. The daughter was not ungrateful; she simply felt unprepared.”
Partners’ preferred senses: a good match?
“Most of us are familiar with Gary Chapman’s five love languages, the general ways in which people express and experience love. Knowing whether your partner prefers words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch can help you improve your relationship.
“The neuroscientific equivalent of the love languages is individuals' sensory preferences. We are instinctively attracted to someone who would be a good fit in this regard (although people may choose a partner on account of other considerations, such as their status.)
Image: Pexels
“We have various senses at our disposal - kinaesthetic awareness, involving our awareness of the position and movement of our body parts, as well as smell, taste, sight, hearing, and touch – but most of us have a primary sensory organ which is wide open. The fit between your primary sense and your partner’s natural behaviour has a huge impact on your relationship.
“If your primary sense is kinaesthetic awareness and your partner loves hugging and being hugged, you’ve hit the jackpot. If, however, your skin is extremely sensitive and you dislike hugs, this may give rise to conflict. When your partner wants to give you a hug and you recoil, chances are that your partner will feel rejected. They are offering you the best they have, and you resist. Understanding the underlying causes can help partners adjust their approach. This explains why, for example, some women love the primordial smell of a man who has been doing physical labour all day, while other women find it repulsive.”
Listen to Melodie’s findings on the influence of gravity on children’s physical, emotional, social and intellectual development.
How do you recognise your partner’s primary sense?
“You can determine this by observing their actions, listening to the tonality and tempo when they speak, and considering their choice of words.”
Observe your partner’s actions
“What does your partner spontaneously do? Do they, for instance, like to touch objects to feel their texture?
“Take note of what your partner does when they want to give you a treat. People often pamper someone they love in the way that they themselves would prefer to be spoilt. If your partner likes to give you something to eat or to drink, it may be that their preferred senses are smell and taste.
If, on the other hand, their hearing is strongest, they probably love to talk, listen to music, and may appreciate periods of silence.
“A partner whose preferred sense is sight may often want to show you things and really appreciate eye contact. Hugs simply don’t affect them in the same way.
“Let’s deviate from love relationships for a moment. I have three children. Each one has a different preferred sense. It took me a long time to figure out why I found it more difficult to connect with one of them than to the others. I doubted my abilities as a mother, but then neuroscience helped me understand my children's preferences and I was able to adjust my approach.
“One child’s preferred sense is hearing and we connect by chatting to each other. Another one is visually focused; I can simply send a couple of Whatsapp messages and this does the trick. As for the third one, kinaesthetic awareness takes centre stage. If we don’t get together and there is no skin contact, we tend to lose our connection.”
Take note of tonality and tempo
“Sensory perception involves two major body systems, the chemical and the neurological systems. Smell and taste are chemical reactions. Sight, hearing and kinaesthetic awareness are neurological senses.
“By listening carefully, you can determine whether someone is primarily focused on one of the neurological senses - kinaesthetic awareness, hearing or sight. Your clues will come from the tonality and tempo of their speech. People who are kinaesthetically inclined tend to speak in lower tones and more slowly. They often use sounds such as 'hmm' to gain time while they are ‘feeling their way’ to what they want to say and towards the appropriate words and expressions.
“People whose auditory sense is the strongest speak at a faster tempo and in a higher tone of voice than the previous group. They usually have melodious voices because they are tuned to sound. They easily find the right word for the right thing, can explain something very well, and complete their sentences.
“However, they can talk a lot! If hearing is your sense of preference and your partner has this kind of voice, you are in luck.
“Visually inclined people speak the fastest of all because they are following the pictures racing through their minds. They often fail to complete their sentences because they are trying to keep up with these images. They speak in a relatively high tone.”
Considering your partner’s choice of words
“Your partner's language use contains clues to their preferred sense. People who are kinaesthetically aware will say: ‘Yes, this feels right’ or ‘Everything went smoothly.’ They tend to use words associated with texture.
“Someone whose primary sense is hearing tends to say: ‘It doesn’t sound good to me’ or ‘That rings a bell’.
“If they are visually focused, they might say: ‘I do not see my way forward’ or ‘I envisage a bright future.’
“In order to enhance our relationships, we can stop reading Google and learn to read our partners – the discoveries will be worth our while!”
If you’re intrigued by the idea of the Mind Dynamix “operating manual” for your one-of-a-kind brain, you’ll find Melodie’s explanation here. (Included: an exercise to determine your own sensory preference.)
In order to learn to read, a child’s brain and body must be ready - reading does not occur naturally! Here Dr. Melodie de Jager makes everything crystal clear.
Lees hoekom babas moet kruip en hoe om dit aan te moedig.
Have you heard about Melodie’s weekly blog on pregnancy and birth that combines a gripping story with sound scientific principles?
Contact details
Dr. Melodie de Jager is a developmental specialist, author and keynote speaker from Johannesburg. She is the founder of the BabyGym and Mind Moves Institutes.
Tel. 011 888 5434
Websites:
www.mindmoves.co.za – www.schoolreadiness.co.za – www.mindynamix.com - www.seniormindmoves.co.za
This article was based on a podcast episode recorded for rrRADIO, the podcast channel created for rooi rose magazine.
Images: Unsplash, unless indicated otherwise.