Dr. Rina de Klerk-Weyer on growth, motherhood and not having all the answers
A well-known authority on Emotional Intelligence talks about the innate compass that guides her, lessons learnt, being a romantic as well as a realist, special joys and pleasures, and shares some of the visual memories she treasures.
1 What inspired you to study social work and, eventually, become an internationally recognised authority on Emotional Intelligence?
I wanted to be a doctor, but could not handle it when one of my loved ones got injured. For instance, when my dad cut his toe and needed to get stitches, I almost passed out. Then I knew that maybe I should rather become a doctor of the heart and the head than of the body.
I always wanted to make a difference and valued people and relationships. Over time I realised that people often do not have the basic skills that they need in order to accept and express themselves and have fulfilling relationships. I then started to do research on EQ and realised that this is what they need. As a result, I developed practical activities to enhance their skills and eventually published a couple of books with a colleague of mine, Dr. Ronél Le Roux, that adults as well as children can use to grow/enhance their EQ.
2 Can everyone grow their Emotional Intelligence?
This is the good part. Although we are born with a certain level of EQ, everybody can learn and develop their skills, because it is a skill-based intelligence. Our EQ is often enhanced as we grow older and learn from our experiences.
3 Do you believe each of us has an innate compass to guide us, and how has this played out in your life?
However, I do not really regret this, as these were some of my greatest learning and growth opportunities and made me who I am today. I now try to listen to my own inner wisdom a lot more and not focus on the expectations of others so much.
4 You have extensive experience of motherhood. Please tell us more.
This is a long story. At first I struggled to fall pregnant and after a lot of infertility treatments, realised that adoption was the next option. We adopted twins, a boy and a girl, to only later realise that both of them are mentally handicapped. A couple of months after we had adopted them I became pregnant and then had two biological sons.
However, I’ve always loved children and can’t imagine my life without them.
5 Which personal life lessons do you treasure?
You cannot change what has happened. You can only learn from it. Some of my learnings include (not in order of priority):
Myself:
Know and accept yourself, including your strength and growth areas. Be true to who you are. To be able to love others, you first need to love and accept yourself
Never compare yourself with anybody; their path is different than yours. Your only responsibility is to be the best you that you can be
Use your energy to change what it is in your control to change, and let go of the things that you cannot change
Dream about the future but live fully in the NOW
I learned that forgiving others and yourself is crucial for your mental well-being
Listen to your inner wisdom and intuition and then verify it with facts
You always have a choice. Choose wisely in terms of your value system, then you won’t have regrets and will experience inner peace
Sometimes you just have to trust and be patient, letting things be, without forcing the outcome
Sometimes you just have to BE and not DO all the time
Always be thankful, even if it is just for what you don’t have that you don’t want
Always have hope, and remember: motivation is an inside job
Always be mindful and aware of your own inner world as well as what is happening around you
Control your thoughts and manage your emotions, as they are very powerful
There is a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Learn to be okay with your own company.
To have a balanced lifestyle, giving attention to the whole you, spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually and socially, in order to function optimally. This is not always easy - you have to make a conscious choice
Relationships:
People and relationships are precious; treasure them
Always appreciate and acknowledge others; the world has enough people that criticise and break down
Sometimes it is better to be silent, knowing the truth, than to prove that you are right and hurt others
What people say or do says more about them than what it says about you
Breaking someone else down definitely doesn’t make you a better person
Accept and love people the way they are, but be assertive and set boundaries if they treat you negatively
You cannot change other people; you can only change how you behave or react
Remember that most people have some basic needs, e.g. acceptance, trust, respect, empathy, acknowledgement, emotional safety, to be treated with dignity, to be loved for who they are, etc.
Value your family and friends
Faith and spirituality:
We are spiritual beings, with a human existence
There is a big difference between religion and spirituality
Trust God’s plan for your life
Look at / or see people through God’s eyes
Do your best, God will do the rest
6 What makes you get up in the morning?
A thankful/grateful heart; the need to make a difference to each person I interact with; the belief that God has a purpose for my life; all the things that I still want to do, e.g. write another book.
7 You once described yourself as a romantic as well as a realist. Could you elaborate?
In spite of some very painful experiences in my life, I still believe that people can have fulfilling relationships. . Ideally both parties need to be emotionally mature, willing to put constant effort into the relationship and understand each other’s love language. This is often not easy as people often show their love in the way that they need to be loved and not in the way the other person needs to be loved.
8 Please share some of your pleasures and passions.
I have a passion for nature and animals. I do believe that animals can feel and understand much more than we think. It is a privilege to look into an animal’s eyes and appreciate how wonderfully they are created.
I love long walks on the beach and sitting on the rocks and listening to the waves.
To read books, poetry or watch a great movie, especially those based on real-life stories.
9 The Covid-19 pandemic has changed our lives in many ways. What have you learnt that can help you – and perhaps others - move forward with courage?
I have learned that we are capable of much more than what we may think. That we are created to be resilient and must be willing to grow and leave our comfort zone to explore new possibilities. That we cannot control what happens to us, but we can choose how we react. How we think about what happens to us, mostly determines how we process it and use it as an opportunity instead of a disaster. I learned that I have absolutely awesome children, family and friends, that will go the extra mile to support me and be there for me on all levels. I also re-learned that I can do anything trusting in Christ that gives me strength.
10 Do you have specific dreams, future goals, or things that you look forward to?
I look forward to every day as I am healthy and blessed with so much. I also try to live in the present moment and appreciate all the little moments in each day, as that is all we really have. However, if I dream about the future, I dream about a place beside the sea where I can have horses and other animals, where my children and grandchildren can visit and experience a safe haven to come home to and appreciate the stars and the wonders of God’s creation. I dream of travelling more and exploring our country on foot and taking lots of beautiful pictures. Maybe, someday, there will be someone that will love me the way I need to be loved and that I can love the way he needs. I dream of making a real difference and to leave a legacy of love, acceptance, hope, courage, inner strenght and faith.
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Rina offers clarity on what causes us stress and practical ways to reduce it - read it here.