Moms: how to manage the balancing act
Too many balls in the air? Clinical psychologist Dr Colinda Linde shares how being diagnosed with cancer shortly after the birth of her twins inspired her to come up with a plan for the many demands moms face. She introduces her guide for managing work-life balance, relationships - and guilt.
Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
The human mind has always been an area of fascination, and I love learning. I’m also great at puzzles, and the mind is one of the most intricate, complex examples of exactly that. So clinical psychology, and specifically cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) were a natural fit – and 32 years later, here I still am! I’m also a happily married mom of 21 year old twins, and a house full of fur children!
How did your book Get the balance right: coping strategies for working moms – and the updated version - come about?
My twins arrived in 2003 and I thought I could continue juggling it all – until I couldn’t. Just before their first birthday I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and during the post-surgery weeks I tried to understand what had just happened! I started writing and doodling my thoughts, and the model (in ch. 5) that started the book appeared. The aha that working moms juggle a vast array of balls (mostly curve and “off time” balls) and just too many of them, was the start of unravelling the puzzle and then coming up with a plan. Not long after I met a publisher, Wilsia Metz, and Get the Balance Right appeared! (In English and Afrikaans, and a few years later, Portuguese in Portugal!)
The world has changed in unprecedented ways since 2005, so I updated the book in 2021 to include a working from home section and additional pointers for managing guilt as well as relationships.
Scroll down for more info on Colinda’s book.
What do you hope moms to gain from reading your book?
In the modern world, women have more career opportunities than ever – and sometimes they are also working out of necessity. Either way, I wanted to pass on the learnings from my own research and experience, and from so many working moms I’ve engaged with over the years. We had few role models from the previous generation on how to juggle modern parenthood or the modern work-life juggle as women, so I hope that our experiences will guide and provide a guidebook of sorts for the current and next generation of working moms.
Tell us about the types of working mom.
There is as broad a range of mothers as there are colours in a pencil box, from the stay-home moms to the career moms, and the range of moms in-between who work part-time. I’ve seen so much judgement from women toward women, as in guilting moms who have a passion for their career (which is often the ‘first child’) or disparaging stay-home moms (as in ‘what do you have to complain about’ as you’re not working). The moms in the middle who are half and half, are often lost, not quite knowing where they fit. I would really like to speak to this last group especially, which I call the ‘hybrid’ moms and who are my tribe as it were. I work part of the day at the practice and then afternoons are for the children (and sometimes me time). I structure my day into chunks of work, and they can be rearranged a little as in when there’s a school event in the morning, so I shift work commitments to the evening. It’s a constant juggle, not as clear cut as the other categories, but the flexibility works for me.
I would love for moms to be able to identify where they are on the career – hybrid – stay home mom continuum, and acknowledge that this is who they are.
Here Colinda explains why experiencing anxiety is not a ‘choice’ - and where to find relief.
Image: Unsplash
This brings us to the thing most moms report: guilt!
If you think about it, guilt should be the response when you have intentionally hurt someone. What about when it’s unintentional: for example, you can’t attend a Teams meeting as it’s after hours and you’re with the children, or you have to travel or are working to a deadline so you miss dinner or a school excursion - to be honest, you can’t cut yourself into a dozen pieces to satisfy all the demands of work and home. Of course in these cases someone is going to be unhappy. Is it all your responsibility though? I suggest looking at the facts: how many times have I missed a school event or family dinner due to work, and how many times have I NOT (we need perspective here). And unless it’s the most urgent situation, how appropriate is it for an after-hours work meeting? Guilt and misplaced responsibility go hand in hand; neither are useful. And in the case where you had to let someone down at the last minute (maybe you double booked a child and work event, or one had an emergency which overrode the other), deal with what’s real. Provide context, apologize where you need to (and not a blanket apology), make a plan for if this should come up in future, and MOVE FORWARD.
What is your wish for moms worlwide?
In an ideal world, moms would have a village to help them raise well-balanced children and to allow them to self-actualise. In reality, moms are working 24/7 and often with minimal practical or emotional support. So my wish is that women support other women, accepting that each of us has a unique makeup and situation. Remember that pencil box – there are primary colours, pastels and neons, all making up the whole!
Tell us about your new book!
I’m currently completing a book on how to manage stress so that it actually works for you, and a CBT-based book on managing anxiety. They’re in edit so should be out soon; I’ll be launching them on thoughtsfirst.com (my self-help site) and on Kindle. Scroll right down for a peek at the covers …
Get the balance right: coping strategies for working moms by Dr. Colinda Linde is available on https://thoughtsfirst.com/ and on Amazon (as an e-book or paperback).
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About Colinda
Dr. Colinda Linde is a clinical psychologist, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy specialist, author and speaker based in Johannesburg. She is a director of The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) and chairperson of SADAG’s Scientific and Advisory Board. Colinda has been in private practice for 32 years. She specialises in anxiety disorders and works extensively in the areas of stress management, work-life balance, sleep issues, assertion and mindfulness.
Colinda offers individual consults (in person and online), public and group workshops and has created self-help books and courses to meet the need for access to mental health. She is also a regular keynote speaker and ‘mental health educator’.
Tel. 010 591 2223
Email: receptionthecbtgroup@gmail.com
Address: Premier Health Centre, 13 Mackay Ave, Randburg
For speaking enquiries: Andre du Toit: 0823138165 or andre@bigpositiveguy.com
Websites:
www.colindalinde.com (including a section on CBT)
Images: Pexels, unless indicated otherwise
Thumbnail image: Unsplash
Photograph of Dr Colinda Linde: supplied
Please note:
These articles and podcasts contain general information, intended purely for educational purposes. It should never replace professional evaluation, discussion or guidance.
If you have suicidal thoughts or experience emotional pain, immediately phone the free SADAG helpline at 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393 (both available 24/7), phone the free AKESO helpline at 086 143 5787 (available 24/7), or contact a qualified medical professional.