Inside information: the way men view relationships
Men and women are wired differently. Psychologist and former serial killer profiler Dr. Micki Pistorius’ insights into the male psyche are arresting. She describes men as heroes and warriors. How do men view emotions, dating, female friends and marriage? What are their strongest drives and deepest fear? How does one best communicate with a man? Dr. Pistorius’ book, Heroes, offers answers that every woman should note.
Dr. Micki Pistorius
At heart, Dr. Micki Pistorius is an explorer. When she's not exploring the landscape of the human psyche, she's studying neuropsychology, brain nutrition, history or archeology - and if that includes a trip to an ancient Bronze Age site in Greece, Turkey or elsewhere, so much the better. These days she lives in Mauritius and is, among other things, editor of the international archeology website, Premium Ancient-Origins.
Heroes: a psychological insight into men's perceptions on relationships is a book offering significant insights into the species that we women couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) do without. Where does Micki get the information about the male psyche that she conveys in Heroes?
"In the Police Service I spent ten years working mainly with men. In my psychology practice I was struck by the realisation of how different men's and women's perceptions can be, and decided to study these differences in depth.
"I questioned numerous men - individually and in groups - on relationships, dating, emotions, woman friends, marriage, divorce and second marriages. The findings amazed me. Men not only think differently than women, they think differently than women believe they do.
“Naturally, there are individual differences. When describing a phenomenon, one needs to generalise to some extent. The information in Heroes is not the alpha and the omega. And the book wasn’t written for feminists. It needn’t be taken too seriously, but it might prevent some women from getting hurt.
"Don't think the rules of the game between the sexes are fair! When I testify as an expert witness psychologist in court, I emphasise the fact that I’m not there to condemn or condone certain behaviours, but to explain them. The same goes for Heroes.”
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Here are, in a nutshell, the differences between women and men:
Men take action. Women speak.
Women are comfortable with emotions, men aren’t.
Women focus on love; men focus on their quest.
Women believe that love conquers all. Men believe they can conquer the world.
Men's greatest fear is to disappoint someone; it makes them feel guilty. Women's greatest fear is rejection; it makes them needy.
When a woman fantasises about a first date, the fantasy ends with a kiss. When a man fantasises about a first date, the fantasy begins with a kiss.
A man's sexual sense is sight. A woman's sexual sense is touch.
Men can have sex without getting emotionally involved. Women will first get emotionally involved and then have sex.
When a couple spends a lot of time together and sleeps together, the woman considers it a love relationship. The man only considers it a love relationship when he has formally asked her to be his girlfriend.
When men get married, they sacrifice their freedom. When women get married, they gain security.
Women approach marriage from a romantic point of view. Men approach marriage from a pragmatic point of view.
Men are wired to provide and protect, and to them money represents status. It shows they are competent providers. Women want to feel safe and cared for, and to them money represents security.
Men's innate drives and deepest fear
In Heroes, Micki uses Greek mythology as a metaphorical background: archetypes such as heroes and warriors effortlessly flow from this.
"The fact that, as a serial killer profiler, I had to profile the very worst of men also helped me recognise the good men: the everyday, unsung heroes. Men are born with the innate drive to provide and protect. This is what makes them men. Aligning their existence with this dual purpose makes them feel good. If they fail, they feel like anti-heroes. This disturbs their psychic balance and they will do anything to prevent it.
"Every man has a quest, a passion that fuels him. Sometimes it is his career, sometimes a pastime. Men do not necessarily reveal their goals, because their biggest fear is to disappoint someone - especially the woman in their life. A man's ideal partner is one who understands his quest, allows space for it and has her own interests so that her life does not revolve around him. If he is her everything, she becomes unhappy when he devotes time to his passion. This makes him feel guilty.
"Men are action heroes. It is wise to pay more attention to their actions than to what they say. A man can promise you the sun, moon and stars and believe what he is saying at that moment, but his actions are a more reliable measure. A man who loves a woman does his very best to solve her problems, meet her wants and needs, buy her things, and work hard to take care of her.”
How to communicate with a man
"Even though for men action comes first, when questioned about the most important aspect of a romantic relationship the answer is not 'sex', but 'communication'. And yet, in a love relationship communication often fails to run smoothly. The following tips may help:
Listen carefully, without constantly interrupting him. It shows that he is important to you.
Try to see the message from his perspective and understand the underlying emotions and motives. It's unwise to jump in with advice right away - this can be interpreted as criticism or an attempt to control him. A day or so later you can say, "I’ve thought about what you said, and I wondered if..."
A man wants a woman to convey her needs. Yet men often perceive women as needy when they do this. What is the difference between a woman who communicates her needs and a needy woman? Apparently, timing makes the difference. When he's focused on something else, or when she nags or criticises him, it simply doesn't work.
Women often complain that they ask men to carry out a certain task, perhaps around the house, and then it never happens. Men laugh in an embarrassed way when they hear this. Ask him: “Would you please make a plan? It would make me so happy!” Be charming. Men know the difference between manipulation and charm. They love being treated in a nice way. One man said: “If she insists that I drop everything to finish the job and I then find out it wasn't really urgent, the next time I don’t take action so soon. If she tells me why she needs it, I can determine how urgent it is."
Women talk, men take action. Unfortunately, women often think they have to tell men what to do. Men are men. They are heroes and warriors who know what to do. When a woman dictates to them, it seems to them like a motion of mistrust and an attempt to control them. Men do not want to take orders from women. They want to be trusted to figure out the details themselves and complete the task in their own way. So - if he doesn't respond immediately, repeating the instructions is no use. He heard what you said the first time.
Because men prefer action to words, a long, drawn-out argument is useless.
Men are not receptive to hints.
When a man has done something for you, a sincere thank you and ‘you’re my hero!’ – then and there, not later – can work wonders.
A woman's tongue is the weapon men fear most. Her words or tone can castrate them emotionally. A woman who speaks with anger or shouts at a man rarely attains the desired result. When a man’s fight response has been activated, he literally cannot hear what you are saying since stress hormones are pumping through his veins to prepare him for action. Your frown triggers his fight response. Your smile or gentle expression triggers his desire to protect you.
Is it wise to offer a man your help?
“Men and women have completely different views of this matter. Women are helpful. If one woman in the queue at a cash register has forgotten an item and goes to get it, another woman will push her trolley while she’s gone. The chance that a man will do this is slim.
“For women, it is socially acceptable to receive help. For men it is a sign of weakness. Don't help a man unless he asks you to. Don't ask if you can help him paint the chairs; ask if you can join him. If he has trouble unlocking the front door, don't take the key out of his hand and do it yourself, even if he's not completely sober. Should you just stand and wait until he gets it right? Yes, you should!
"One man offered this explanation: 'To a woman, her appearance is of key importance. A man should not tell her to go on a diet because she is fat. To a man, his competence is of key importance. A woman shouldn't tell him to get a handyman because he can't fix something. If she goes on a diet of her own accord, he can support her, and if he finds a handyman of his own accord, she can thank him.'
"Similarly, men and women view support differently. An engineer who was temporarily unemployed said he wished his girlfriend would support him. She truly believed she was supporting him, but she said he refused to cooperate: 'When I come home after a long day, I tell him to sit down with me so that I can update his CV. Then he gives me a strange look and keeps watching TV. I’ve bought engineering magazines and cut out the ads for him - all to no avail.'
"When a woman tells a man what to do and interferes with him, he feels like a failure. The engineer expressed the support he needed in the following way: 'If she said she believed in me, that the setback was only temporary, that all would be well in time and that I’m the best engineer in the world, it would motivate me.’ He needed to know that his partner respected him and would remain by his side.
When he is unable to solve your problem
"Men want to solve women's problems. That's the way a hero acts. If a woman tells her partner about an argument with a colleague, he interrupts her to ask what the outcome was. He wants to figure out how he can help her. If she says the matter was resolved, he might ask, in surprise: 'Then why are you telling me about it?'
“Men find it difficult to understand why women want to talk about a matter that’s been cleared up. One man rarely says to another: 'I had a flat tyre today and fixed it.' That's something women do.
"When a man cannot solve a woman's problem, he will either attack her or ignore her. If a woman is crying because her puppy has died, the man says: 'Just stop crying!' and drives off to buy another puppy. Or he ignores her, gets in his car and drives to the pet shop while she thinks: ‘You heartless idiot!’ In either case, the man fails to understand why she does not want the new puppy when he gets home.
“"This is how it works: a man addresses a problem by acting in a pragmatic way. He replaces the puppy so that she will stop crying, because it makes him uncomfortable. When his solution doesn't work, he feels like an anti-hero. So he walks away and ignores her, or worse - yells at her. It's hardly fair, but this is the way it is.
"Women experience empathy on an emotional level. Men empathise on a cognitive level. Because men are action heroes, they are forced to distance themselves from the emotional content so that they can plan objectively and act rationally."
Heroes offers more sharp, sometimes surprising insights into the differences between men and women. It makes one wonder why women know so little about the male psyche.
"We women don't listen," says Micki. "Men say and embody these things, but we don't believe what is in front of us because we are not like that."
Well - now we’re in the know!
Here body language expert Tania Steyn highlights the differences between men and women’s communication styles and views of emotional connection.
Contact details
Dr. Micki Pistorius is a forensic psychologist, author, journalist, consultant, course and workshop presenter and the editor of the Premium Ancient-Origins website. More information at https://mickipistorius.co.za/ and https://heroes-warriors.com/ https://www.ancient-origins.net/
Subscribe to Micki’s free YouTube series, Profiler on Record here: https://www.youtube.com/@MickiPistoriusProfilerOnRecord
Buy the Kindle edition of Heroes, a psychological insight into men's perceptions on relationships by Micki Pistorius on Amazon.
This article was originally written for rooi rose magazine.
Stock images: Unsplash
Image of Dr. Micki Pistorius: supplied