Neil Bierbaum on being a careless rebel, challenges, and coaching men

A mindset coach who focuses on executive coaching, leadership development, team building and public speaking writes about being the editor of men’s magazines, finding that limitations fuel creativity, and not wasting energy on resistance. 

1 Early on in your career, you were the editor of two men’s fashion and general lifestyle magazines. Which challenges did these two stints involve, what were the upsides, and did you come away with valuable life lessons?

The biggest challenge for Directions was the high cost (in dollars) for good celebrity (male and female) images. For a men’s magazine, you needed four to six styled images, plus a cover image, ideally from the same set, and shot by a world-class photographer. (By comparison, women’s magazines would use maybe one styled image and some red carpet or paparazzi pics, which cost less.) The main American photo agency that supplied the type of images we were after charged the same to a small South African magazine as they would to a major American publication. They had no clue and didn’t care that it was prohibitively expensive for us. I learned how limitations fuel creativity.

Later, at FHM, we were able to get an equivalent set of images virtually for free because they were syndicated between the 20 global editions. The challenge for me at FHM was that in some ways my headspace wasn’t always aligned with FHM’s light-hearted, blokish approach. I was more serious and intellectual. I knew it was good for me though. It kept me grounded and in touch with the real world at a time when I needed that. I learned to map the differences between where my head was at and where other men’s heads were at, and that serves me well when working with men today.

2 You’ve mentioned a troubled relationship with your own father. How did this lead to personal growth?

That is a long story that I have written but not published. My father was of an older generation and was disabled. He had had polio as a child, at a time when there was no special care or emotional support. So, he was a hard man and did his best to pass that on to me, ostensibly so that I would not suffer the humiliation he had.

He was also very capable and active, and stopped at nothing. He could fix a car, make furniture, chop down a tree, you name it. Despite his calliper and walking sticks, he found a way. Then, when I came along, I became his arms and legs. So, from age seven or eight, my childhood weekends were spent doing those things. By age 12 I could strip and reassemble a car engine, and I had installed a full set of kitchen cupboards.

All this made me highly capable, physically strong, and a little messed up psychologically. I rebelled in my teenage years—a rebellion that lasted well into my twenties. He died when I was 27 and I was well into in my forties before I resolved my relationship with him, having been through therapy, coaching and the Mankind Project.

I tell that story very differently now from how I told it when I was young, both to myself and to others. You know you have accomplished healing when all you have left for the other person is compassion. My wish is that I could tell him that. All that I’ve learned through this journey informs the work I do with men today.

3 How did your involvement with specifically the Mankind Project shape you?

I learned that men can be (and are) kind and loving to other men. I had not known that, even though it had been going on around me. In the MKP it was like the scales fell off my eyes; I experienced it first-hand, and it transformed me.

Listen to Neil explaining how men determine their worth - and what to do when things go wrong.

4 You have a good relationship with your adult son, Luke, despite the fact that he has been living in another country since he was 14. What has contributed to the quality of your relationship?

I had to work hard in the beginning to get him to attend the weekly online calls we had agreed. We also stayed connected via WhatsApp and we saw each other twice a year and did road trips together. That gave us real bonding time that you often don’t take when you live together. Throughout, I took a genuine interest in the details of his life and helped him solve problems without trying to turn him into a mini-me. Today we are best friends and while I mentor him on life and work, he advises me on my YouTube channel and keeps me informed politically. At his college graduation, he handed me the sash to wear that was intended for the person who made the biggest difference to their personal journey. I have that sash in my wardrobe where I see it every day.

5 You’re married to well-known clinical psychologist, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy specialist, author and speaker Dr Colinda Linde. Which joys do you share?

Almost everything! Seriously, my son and her kids all joke that we are the same person. One thing I’ll point to is that we like to watch series or movies together and then discuss the characters and plot, offering our professional perspectives. Naturally we end up learning from each other. We both read a lot— her more than me. (She reads more than anyone I know.) She’s into science fiction and I’m into history, so that’s a point of difference.  We both meditate, and we enjoy creating content for our online platforms. In doing that, we share a lot of ideas and feedback. That’s how we created the Practical Mindfulness program. We also have the same quirky sense of humour, so we laugh a lot together.

6 In 2024, you received two awards after completing your MPhil in Leadership Coaching (cum laude) at the Stellenbosch Business School. What stands out when you reflect on this achievement?

I did not have the funds nor the support to continue studying when I was younger, even though I excelled academically. (And I was a careless rebel too, so I’ll own that.) It was important for me to close that loop. The awards were a nice surprise and a reminder of my capability at a time in life when some of that feels forgotten.

7 My impression is that you do a lot and get a lot done, both in your personal and work life. Which approach serves you best in terms of time management?

I don’t waste energy on resistance! Seriously, instead of pushing myself, I use surrender. I surrender to my commitment and to what needs to be done, and I don’t waste energy on resistance. I’ve written about this in the form of my Five Motivational States model, which is available via my different channels.

8 Any dreams and ideals beckoning you when you think of the future?

I wish to contribute some wisdom to the world, hopefully in a way that makes a difference globally. I’d like for at least some of that to be in the form of fiction.

More about Neil

Mindset coach Neil Bierbaum focuses on Executive Coaching, Leadership Development, Team Building and Public Speaking. He does life coaching, particularly with men.

Neil has coaching and training experience at the highest level and has worked with corporates from a CEO level down, as well as celebrities and high performing entrepreneurs. He is credentialed as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coach Federation (ICF).

In 2024, Neil was rewarded the Top Achiever Award and the Prof Martin Ungerer Award for Research on completing his Leadership Coaching MPhil (cum laude). He has a commerce degree, auditing experience, and studied psychology.

Neil has a background in journalism - he was an award-winning journalist and the founding editor of Directions and FHM South Africa magazines - and enjoys creating content for his platforms. He is based in Johannesburg.

Websites:

Neil Bierbaum Coaching https://neilbierbaum.com/

Online self-coaching course: https://neilbierbaum.com/shop/self-coaching-online-life/

The Man Matrix https://themanmatrix.com (where men can get their Man Matrix Report)

Neil’s coaching for men https://neilbierbaum.com/coaching/coaching-for-men/

YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@neilbierbaum

Books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B079TYRSQG

LinkedIn: Neil Bierbaum

You can subscribe to Neil’s Substack Channel at https://neilbierbaum.substack.com - his channel includes a section called Growing Men.

Thumbnail image: Unsplash

Other images supplied by Neil Bierbaum